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different22
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Name: Clara
Metro:
Gender: Female
Interests: Outreach, mission trips, nature/outdoors, writing, reading, laughing/good jokes, hanging out with friends, watching people, guitar, people who love God, veggie/vegan foods, exercising, asking questions, love, compassion, freedom, non-violence, information of all sorts, faith, singing, being real, thinking/meditating, kids, creativity, art, poems, the Second Çoming, ice cream, beaches and mountains.
Message: message me
MSN: oscura87@hotmail.com
Member Since:
12/4/2004
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| So where did my words go? Where did you stored them? Or maybe you just threw them away in the ocean of endless waves
where did you hide the smile I gave you? And where did my touch go? Did you washed it all out of you in the darkness of the night?
Where did you put my kiss and my hugs? In what inner part of yourself did they go? Are they declared dead inside of you? Where did you bury them?
My song, my whisper in the dark my sweet words to you dear, where are they? Destroyed? Can i possibly find the ashes of them in the distant river near the hills?
Did you really kill it all? Or is lying somewhere beneath the depthness of your soul? Will someone else destroy the love I graciously poured on you? Will someone else's kisses vanish the ones I left marked on your lips one day?
It hurts that there is no part of me in you left that your touch, your sweet smile and your deep vibrant eyes are still part of my existence and my love lavished on you is dead and no longer part of your world
So what do I do? Believe again and again? Do I hope for something I can't see nor have evidence of? Or do I simply find the ocean, the river near the hills, another someone to bury the scorching memory of you? | | |
| Recent thoughts and happenings:
Life seems to be pretty dull lately and it becomes hard to see the details and how God's love is in each detail of my life. It certainly takes a huge mental effort to focus on Christ so that I don't disintegrate all of a sudden. I want to remember to be grateful for everything since I am in a very comfortable and safe position in life, unlike many other people who are suffering and perhaps wish they would have a stable life. I want to remember that the seem less small things I do each day are actually really big if I see the whole picture. They are making a difference.
I wish I can meet a rich person who would pay for my graduate school. I am dying to go back to school, but money seems to be t he deterrent. Although, I have faith in God and I believe in prayer. If God took me through my undergraduate study, He can do the same with my grad studies.
I think that one of the worse things to experience is when you want to be with someone real bad, but then they are not ready for you at that time and you have to see them walk by you. Good thing there is always someone else, but then I think that everyone is unique and how do you replace people?
I think breaking up was a good idea, but I don't want to do it again! Recovering from a break up is a whole other story.
I think I'm getting a fever
I am going to Texas this weekend. Just a short work related visit
The month of March has gone by super fast!
I can't believe I am now waking up at 4:30 am...It's great what you can do when you put your mind into it.
That 's about it.
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| I remember the time we were in heaven. Where a look captivated my soul and I was ready to fly wherever you led. I remember the bench near my apartment where we sat and looked into each other’s eyes knowing that nothing could break this apart except God. Your special touch, your warm hands and body, your amazing hugs will be forever recorded in my brain and if not forever then at least for a very long time. I remember looking into your eyes and being in the ocean again and how smooth and silky your hair was. It never got messed up. You didn’t even have to comb it, remember? I remember your crazy driving and the adventures in your red Jeep. How can I forget all of the full moons we both beheld as we held each other close? How can I not remember your firm body? I felt protected in your arms, as if I had reached a safe haven from a fierce storm. I felt that way every time I slept in your arms. It was like being held by a mother. Your scent will be in my nostril for a while.
Nostalgia is slowly creeping in even though it’s been just a day since we agreed to break apart. I would be a fool if I said I was not going to miss you. My heart misses what this would have been. It misses the man I saw in you and not the one that seemed lost in a dark sea. For I always saw the man you strived to be.
I still remember the times when you were sure, the words that swept me off my feet and the transparency of your heart. I saw your love and your heart was on fire for this strange and peculiar woman you had met. My heart still feels the fire and I know it’s still in you, but something within you decided to drown it in water. I know you did not want it to be like this, but the pain in the innermost part of your soul and your mind took over once again in this relationship. You tried to seek help, but the pain just did not budge, it won your heart. The anger and the wild depressive past you threaded upon were the waters that quenched the fire you started. It killed the heartbeat once again.
I wish freedom for you my dear. I wish that your smiles and your efforts came naturally from your heart. I wish that locked in grief and tears are one day out of your life and that you can make friends with your past life and not let it control you ever again. I wish that the chains holding you break forever. Maybe then, if I’m still here, we can be in heaven again just like the beginning or simply find joy elsewhere.
On a brighter note, yes, we will be friends dear. I am sure about it. For you never harmed me in any way. It was just not our time, it might never be. Maybe this is really the end and we’ll move forward into other lands. As for me, there is a big part that smiles and has peace in my heart about all of it. I have truly learned a lot and now I now I am closer in knowing as to what I really want in a person. This morning I woke up and God said, “Do not let your hearts be troubled”…. I am taking that to heart. I know that God was behind all of this and He finished it as well. I am happy too because I am more convinced than ever at how much He loves you and me.
For now we’ll just deal with the questions and the adjustment and the sweeping up of our hearts. For now, we’ll let the days go by until there aren’t any nostalgias and memories.
P.S. I had a dream about you last night. I was in a very high place overlooking The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco and I thought I would fall and die. Then out of nowhere you where there with that familiar look and the killer smile that melted my heart many times before. You held me in your strong arms and I felt safe. You were like Superman. Then you held my hand and kissed it, and then I woke up.
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| Today it was a reminder that I should not complain so much, it's so hard sometimes. Many times I think that someone out there has it worse and I know it's the truth. I don't have to wake up wondering what I am going to eat, I am not running away from people who want to kill me, I am dying of a terminal disease, I haven't lost a loved in a plane crash(like the crash that happened today, so sad). I am reminding of life once again and it's almost like a slap in the face. I am so lucky that I can walk out of my apartment in peace and that I have a job even!
I just want to live a more humble life, knowing that I am one of the fortunate ones in t he world at this time of my life. Sometimes I wish I can live wiser in this life, make better decisions, be more disciplined at times, and walk knowing that I am fragile like a wind that passes. I wish I wouldn't be so afraid of things and just enjoy each moment of life more.
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